Foundation of My Life, Loneliness and Responsibilities 人生底蘊、孤獨與責任
I listened to a friend talk about his life experience today, and I pondered about my own. I realized that, while I was certainly not born into a family that "won at the starting line" as he was, the family I was born into seemed to have little to do with my upbringing. Of course, my family was an intellectual family, and my parents did their best to give me the best education they could under the circumstances and conditions.
今天聽一個朋友談他的人生經歷，我低頭想了一下自己的。我發現，我固然不像他一樣，出生在一個「贏在起跑線」上的家庭，但我所出生的家庭，跟我的成長似乎沒什麼關係。當然，我的家庭算是個知識分子家庭，我的父母也在盡他們的努力，使我能得到在當時的環境和條件下所能得到的最好的教育。
However, the foundation of my life was formed and created by the "forbidden books" I read when I was a child and by my "nature" of being a supper book lover.
但是，我的人生的底蘊，是我小時候讀過的那些「禁書」，和我瘋狂愛看書的「本性」所形成、造就的，這與家庭無關。
It was those books and my "nature" of being a crazy reader that made, defined, and built me, which is the "innate" me, the original me.
是那些書，和我自己瘋狂愛看書的「本性」成就、定義、打造了我，這是「先天」的我、本來的我。
From this, I also found out that I was born to be lonely. I had been reading alone under the quilt with a flashlight since I was a child. I had no friends, or only very few friends at that time. Most of the people I could not be friends with, as if they were not from the same world at all.
由此，我也發現，原來，從小就打著手電藏在被窩裏獨自看書的我，天生就是孤獨的。我那時沒有朋友，或只有極個別的朋友。大部分的人，我是無法與之做朋友的，好像根本就不是一個世界的人。
In this way, friends and hobnobbing are not "essential" in my life.
如此說來，朋友、熱鬧，根本也不是我生命中的「必需品」。
On the contrary, when I was a child, I walked around when I saw acquaintances, because I was afraid to greet people.
相反，我小時候見了熟人都是繞著走的，爲的就是怕跟人打招呼。
So, I was born to be such a lonely being. My heart has never been in this world, nor can I enter the world. Even if I have tried or pretended to enter the world, even if I have also been perplexed and pained to death for the things in this world, I have never really belonged here.
原來，我與生俱來，就是如此孤獨的一個生命。我的心，從來都不在這世間，也不能入世。就算我曾經努力或假裝入世，就算我也曾爲了紅塵中事要死要活，我也未曾真正屬於過這裏。
Once someone said to me with discontent: I don't know what "big things" you have to do if you don't care about the small things in the world.
以前有個人曾對我很不滿地說：真不知道你不屑於世間小事，是有哪些「大事」要辦？
Yes, what are the "big things" I have to do?
是啊，我有哪些「大事」要辦呢？
It seems that I don't have any "big things", or rather, my "big things” are not "big things" to him.
好像我也沒什麼「大事」，或者說，我所認定的「大事」，在他看來卻不是「大事」，都是虛無飄渺的。
But my heart is not really here. This place is like a hotel, it's just my temporary residence.
但我的心真的不在這裏，哪裏都像是旅館一樣，只是我的臨時居處。
This realization was a bit "sad", but it helped me to know who I am, and to see clearly my relationship with others. No longer should I be driven and live by what others think of me.
這種領悟有些「傷感」，但是，它卻有助於我看清自己、看清自己與他人的關係。再也不要爲他人對我的看法而帶動、而活了。
“You can’t bring anything with you when you are born, and you can’t take anything away with you when you die.” (Quote from “Falun Gong”) In the world where I exist in solitude, I can only be responsible for myself, for my own heart, and for those whom I should be responsible for - although I don't really know who are the ones who should be responsible for.
「來時一身光，走時一身光 」（引自《法輪功》）。在孤獨存在的世間，我只能對自己、對自己的內心、對該我管的人負責——雖然我其實並不知道，哪些是該我管的人。
But it doesn't matter, does it? Maybe if I can be responsible for myself and my own heart, I will then be responsible for those to whom I should be responsible.
不過這也不要緊吧。也許我能對自己、對自己的內心負責的同時，我也就在管那些該我管的人了。
2/9/2022*
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